Milestones
In looking at the question of why I find meaning in the way that I do, I find it easier to look at how I got to this point. The events of my life are the major reason to why I act the way that I do and why I find meaning in certain things, and disregard others.
Currently in my life, I find meaning through finding the good in bad situations and trying to find meaning when it may be hidden. In looking at the question of why I find meaning in this way, I find it best to start at the beginning and look at how I got to this point.
In the beginning of my life, I lived according to what I was told to do by my parents and by my faith. I followed along blindly and unquestioningly. I was confortable in my ignorance, and was content with my life. What was meaningful in my life was accomplishing something I was told to do. However, as I got older, I noticed that my sister did not do everything she was told. My sister is the person I have always looked up to and always tried to emulate, so I noticed when she rebelled against my parents, even if they didn’t. Seeing my sister begin to stray from the path my parents and our faith led us on planted the seed in my head that I had the ability to make my own decisions about my life. For this reason, I began to question my faith, as she had. As I grew up, there was a constant battle in my head over whether or not I believed in God. This confusion eventually led into cynicism, and I disregarded faith completely. However, I was still going to Catholic school and I did not want to cause any conflict with my parents, so I continued to be the “perfect catholic girl” my parents wanted me to be. Guilt filled me and I did not want to disappoint my parents or have them feel ashamed of me. I felt like I was betraying my parents and this, coupled with my anger at the Catholic Church, led to a darkness that consumed my mind. The only way to keep from going crazy from the darkness was to try and make good out of bad situations. Sitting in church or religion class, I did not believe what they were telling me, but I tried to find the good or a hidden message in the various stories I was told. While holding up the image of being Catholic, I also tried to be the perfect student. Being the middle child, I believed that my parents cared more about my older sister and younger brother than me. Everything my sister did was a new and exciting experience for them and my younger brother was perfect, good at both sports and school. Because of this thought, everything I did was to try and get my parents attention. I wanted to be perfect so that they would notice me for once. In fact, I felt the same way around my friends. I happened to be friends with some of the smartest people in my high school, and while I was smart and got some of the best grades in the school, nothing I did was ever impressive because they did it better. This too led to darkness. How come everything I did wasn’t good enough? I was angry and would either push myself to do better to the point that I’d spend hours studying, or I was so angry that I’d think what’s the point, and give up all together. Because I felt so guilty about giving up on religion, I felt it was my responsibility to make it up to my parents by trying to be the perfect daughter. At this time, my sister was away at college, getting poor grades and tattoos. I tried to make up for my sister’s wrongdoings by fulfilling my parents’ expectations of me. I was majorette captain and third in the school for grades, yet it sometimes didn’t feel like enough. By constantly trying to fulfill an image of someone I was not and constantly trying to be perfect, I became angry. I could not live up to the perfection I was trying to imitate, and was still not getting the attention I felt I deserved from my parents. I was angry and sad because I was not being myself and I felt as if I could not do what I wanted to do. This also led to anxiety because of the fear that someone would see through me and the fear that everyone could see my faults. This period of time was when I was basically stuck in a hole of meaninglessness. Life did not have meaning because I was so angry with everyone, everything, and myself. The only way I could get out of the hole was to force myself out. I told myself that I needed to get out of the hole so that it did not turn into an even larger problem. The only way I could do this was to try and focus on accepting myself for how I am and focusing on progress and not perfection. I would look at bad situations and try to find the good in them. I took what life forced upon me and tried to twist it into something that was good. Another method of getting out of the darkness was to make meaning through getting through each day. In taking life day by day, sometimes I found that the smallest things had the most meaning. Even still, I try to find meaning in most things I see, no matter what they may be. Meaning is hidden in obscure places, and because I have to work to find that meaning, I place more value on it. Getting out of the hole was extremely meaningful to me because it reminded me how valuable life in the light is. Through seeing darkness, light has become all the more important and I appreciate it much more. Still, darkness is never truly gone, and darkness always finds a way to come back. I can get through the darkness as long as I do not let it consume me. I do this by trying to find the light in situations, even if that light is small and dim. I do what I can to not fall back into a hole, even if it feels like I may be standing on the edge.
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